I’ve been struggling for the past several months with a tendency that I have to be extremely insensitive and turn my anger at myself outward when I am feeling hurt. I’m not sure I can control it, but I’m trying. I don’t want to hurt the people closest to me any more, especially Michelle, who has refused to give up on me even though doing so would have probably been good for her.
I’ve been uncovering old writings of mine that, when I read them, seem to point a finger at me and convict me of crimes that I knew better than to commit at the time that I wrote them. How did I forget how to treat people well? How did I become such a hypocrite? Apparently, behaving myself is something that will take some real effort on my part, and I am committed to that effort because I want to commit myself to Michelle. I can only be happy with her, and I have a chance to rebuild what we had. One day I hope to deserve it.
In order to remind myself of what’s really important, I want to write down just what Michelle means to me and how I feel about her so that in the future I have another arrow pointing me in the right direction if I get turned around again.
The happiest time in my life is when I referred to her as my Michelle, stealing from a Guns ‘N Roses song. I loved hearing her call me her Josh. She once told me that I was her world. I want that back again. I want to be the person she loved so much because that’s how much I love her. I’m willing to give up my fruitless crusade against the government for the sake of living more harmoniously with her and with myself. She is everything I’ve ever wanted out of life. We all seek to do something with our lives that we’ll be remembered for, but I think a much greater aspiration is to find happiness and peace within one’s own mind and life. Michelle is the key to that for me. Making her happy is the best thing I can achieve in my life, and that is what I want to do for myself. It’s the only way I can be happy.
I can do many things. I can navigate the internet like it’s my own backyard. I can create an image of the sky that takes even my breath away. I can write books, one of which has been described as addictive, and create entire universes within them. But none of that does any more than occupy my time and amuse me. It’s all empty without Michelle in my life. She does for me what the power of a god cannot. She makes me happy, and the best thing I could ever do is make her happy in return.