A Figment’s Tale part 14

Where are you? Joshua asked the Catholic god Yahweh.

You won’t find me, Yahweh replied. I’m well hidden.

We don’t want to hurt you. We want to undo the damage we did and wake up your followers.

I don’t believe you. Have the Bureau send somebody else.

They didn’t send us, Happy said. I don’t know if they even plan to send anybody to help you. They probably don’t know how to.

And you do?

Well, not exactly, but if I can see you, I think we can figure something out.

You sound sincere and no longer drunk with power, so all right. I’ll send one of my representatives to bring you to me. I can’t really move right now.

A man with a neatly trimmed beard appeared near them. He held his arm out as if to show them the way somewhere. Joshua couldn’t help but notice holes in his wrist and the blood all over him. Between that, the facial hair, and the tattered robe tied around his waist, Joshua assumed he was the Catholic version of Jesus.

“You never cleaned yourself up in all this time?” Happy asked.

“I’m a surprisingly recent invention, actually,” Jesus replied. “Follow me to my father.”

Jesus turned toward a wall and walked through it. Joshua and Happy stood there, unsure of what to do. Joshua couldn’t pass through solid matter. Only Happy could do that.

After a few seconds, Jesus poked his head out. “Oh yeah, sorry. There’s no door to the room where Dad is. The real one will have to stay out here.”

“That’s fine,” Happy replied. “You can just sit somewhere and see from my perspective.”

“Okay. I’ll just sit on one of these oh-so-comfy hard wooden benches. Why does this religion hate comfort so much?”

“I don’t know,” Jesus said. “Something to do with desires of the flesh. They sure didn’t get it from me. Anyway, come on in. It’s just straight down this way through a few feet of stone.”

Jesus’s head disappeared into the wall again, and Happy followed. Joshua picked a pew and followed along through Happy’s “eyes.” At first, all he could see was black, but soon enough, he emerged in a small chamber with stone walls, a lightbulb hanging from a cord in the ceiling with a string hanging down from it, and an old mattress on top of which laid an old, bearded man.

“Thank you, Jesus,” he said in a tired voice. “You can go now. I’m sure your church needs you.”

Jesus nodded and disappeared.

“He’s not Catholic Jesus?” Happy asked.

“No, he’s Third-Wave West-southwestern United Episcopal Jesus. His favorite color is green. Second Wave’s Jesus likes blue.”

“Ah, of course. Perfect reason for a new denomination. Anyway, I’m here to apologize for what happened before. If I’d known that I was hurting people, I never would have challenged you.”

“I had no idea a figment from a single mind could be so strong,” Catholic Yahweh said. “I would have warned you if I had any idea. How is your physical mind doing?”

“We were in the hospital for a little while, but after some rest, we’re both doing fine.”

“Then I guess it’s safe to say that you won the fight. Has the Bureau found you?”

“Yeah. They confronted Joshua at the hospital. He clocked them good.”

Catholic Yahweh smiled. “That’s funny. They’ve never met a figment that could give them trouble.”

“I was out like a light at the time. He got away from them all on his own.”

Catholic Yahweh’s smile immediately turned into a grave look. “Your person has command over the power?”

“Yeah. Is that surprising? We share a common mind. We’re the same person. Your believers each have a little bit of power themselves. That’s where your power comes from. You don’t already know this?”

Fear began to tint Catholic Yahweh’s face, particularly around his eyes. For a figment, he was very detailed in his appearance. It made Happy consider his own simple appearance and wonder how figments chose what they looked like—if, indeed, they did actually choose it.

“I don’t understand,” Catholic Yahweh said. “This is too much. I need to rest. Maybe this will make more sense after I’ve rested some more.”

“Yeah, it doesn’t really matter,” Happy said. “I just wanted to come and apologize and try something I just thought of. I want to try giving some of our energy to you and see if that wakes up your people.”

Catholic Yahweh was too tired to protest or argue, so Happy assumed he consented to the procedure. He floated up to the old figment and put his hands on his head. Then he concentrated on sending some of his power into the deity. The results were dramatic and immediate.


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